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cursedinlove
S H A R
the thinker
Shar is ... twenty
Shar is ... Flip
Shar is ... A gemini (June 16)
Shar is ... Not interested
Shar is ... A college girl
Shar is ... Always consumed by thoughts
Shar is ... A billiards/poker player
Shar is ... In love with her anime
Shar is ... a girl who can't live w/o music
Shar is ... is shy but loud
Shar is ... is always laughing
Shar is ... sleep deprived
+ More?
+ Playlist
C O L L E C T I V E
my other site
[ Hikarie Icons ]
LJ icons I've made for you to use
[ CreateBlog Portfolio ]
Layouts I've made w/ already full coding so that you can use them whenever you want.
S I T E S T A T S
site history
Began July.25.05
Type Blog
Host LJ
Layout Creator Me
Layout Credits PS 7.0, Notepad, ImageReady, Google, Me
Version 3
S O T M
song of the moment
You are always gonna be my love
itsuka dare kato mata koi ni otichemo
You are always gonna be the one
Ima wa mada kanashii love song
Aterashii uta utaeru made
(First Love - Utada Hikaru)
D A I L I E S
the readworthy ones
+ Andrew
+ Angie
+ Bernie
+ Chui
+ Gautam
+ Gem
+ Kris
+ Kyle
+ Jake
+ Jamieson
+ Moe
+ Nits
+ Ralaine
+ Rohbit
+ Sheena
+ Tams
+ Tariq
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| Feeling It All |
[30 Jun 2005|01:49am] |
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 bitchy |
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music |
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I Only Wanted - Mariah Carey |
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I hate the fact that I'm pretending to be happy when all I am inside is sooo fucking angry. I want to be selfish ... I really do. But I guess I have to face the fact that who I am is a person who wants everyone to be comfortable and happy even though I am the only one who's not. DO NOT SHOW YOU ARE VULNERABLE has always been my thing. It's slowly killing me inside but no matter how much I want to show it I can't ... it sucks. It sucks ass. I've been reading Lucas's posts lately and he seems to be getting happier and happier and even more excited and he doesn't seem to be as depressed anymore. For some reason ... this is aggravating me. I don't know why. I know all I want is for him to be happy and content with his life but for some reason everytime I talk to him or I read his blog entries ... I want to punch something. I want to kill something ... it's so bad ... I know. I really shouldn't be thinking this way but I am. I can't help it. I guess a part of me is feeling like, oh ... well he's getting happier while the rest of us are fucking ass miserable. Well ... I am miserable I feel like he's not caring about us anymore ... but I have to start facing the fact now that he's leaving. He's going ... he's gone. In about a month ... he's not going to be here anymore. He's going to be away from my life and he's never going to be any part of my life anymore WHATSOEVER. I think it's just that it's really hard for me to believe that. I don't want to face it. It's something that I've been put in forcefully. Something that I am not ready for at all and here I am unwillingly dealing with it.
I really don't want to be bitter because that's the person I used to be. I don't want to go back to the person I used to be. I want to blame him soooo much for the pain he's caused me and the bitter, shitty person I am now is because of him ... but I can't. I can't. I can't let myself be in that stage. I can't hate him even though lately I have been feeling that hatred.
This isn't fair at all. What have I done to deserve something like this? I'm a good person. All I did was love someone. Why give someone pain when all they do is love someone? I gave him everything ... mind, body and soul. I lost myself to him. I showed my vulnerability ... the one thing that's so precious to me. I said, "I love you" ... something that is very hard for me to do since I was a child. I lost my virginity to him ... something I was willling to give myself for ONLY to him ... I have done so much for him ... and how he's taken all that away and leaving the country with it.
I hate love.
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| Slowly |
[09 Jun 2005|11:36pm] |
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Mariah Carey - I Only Wanted |
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I think I'm slowing getting there ... with the whole Lucas leaving thing. He's leaving on August 2nd. For some reason, knowing that ... it's kinda helping me out. I notice that I don't cry about things anymore. Before, everytime I would think about us and how we used to be, I would start crying ... over the littlest things ... every night, I would cry myself to sleep wondering how my life is going to be without him around ... not a boyfriend but even as a friend. Because I've been so used to him as just a friend a least when I coudln't have him as my boyfriend. I mean ... I still don't know how my life is going to turn out but at least I know I won't have to cry myself to sleep anymore.
It's funny because I've been avoiding Lucas over the past couple of weeks. Knowing he was leaving for sure now because it's for sure that he got his plane tickets and all that ... I didn't know how to respond to it. I didn't know what to think ... I didn't know how to feel ... so I just didn't want to talk to him at all. I've been avoiding MSN and finally I decided to suck it up and be strong about it and finally start talking to him again and it was fine. We had a good conversation. I actually missed talking to him about stuff. Man ... I'm going to miss that. Besides ... I don't want a bad repore with him before he leaves. I want him going to Japan with good spirits and not feel like he completely screwed us over while he's there in Japan living it up. Because knowing him ... he's going to feel this burden for a long time. He's going to be dwelling over it even while he's having fun in Japan. He's always been like that. As much as he wants to move forwards in his life, his MIND always takes steps back and he dwells. He's had quite a few regrets in life. He's been through a lot and that's why I want to make things easier on him and support him. I mean I know I'm just one person but I feel like he needs all the support he can get.
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| Stress and Body |
[05 Jun 2005|03:19pm] |
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Michelle Branch - Goodbye To You |
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I think I am over-stressed. I feel it everyday right when I wake up to the minute I fall asleep. I think it's the fact that I hold it all in and not really say anything. I know I have Gemma to kinda confide in and stuff but still ... there are some times where I feel like I can't talk to her about it all just because I feel like I'm burdening her so much about my problems. She must be so tired in hearing all about Lucas this and Lucas that. I'm sure there's so much about Lucas that she can take ...
The reason I'm sooo worried is just that I've been noticing different things about my body. I'm always dead tired, I feel like my body can't function well sometimes. My mind is always off in different places ... especially at work, the worst place for my mind to go haywire because I need to do my job. I'm constantly getting headaches ... and my hair ... my hair is the scary part. I am shedding like crazy. I've shedded before but not like this. Everytime I run my fingers through my hair, so much comes out ... it's really worrying me. My hair is soooooooo thin now ... it's really scaring me. Gemma says that I really need to go to the doctor and get it checked out and that there MIGHT be a possibility that he might recommend anti-depressants to me ... that kinda scares me. I know I need it though but I'm just worried that my parents might find out about it. I mean ... my mom is not going to understand all that. She'll just fucking get mad at me and wonder why the fuck I am the way I am and guilt trip me and make me feel even more depressed.
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| Let Me Cry |
[02 Jun 2005|02:36am] |
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LET ME CRY (S.Palacios)
06/02/05
I want to cry
But the tears won't come
I closed myself for so long
I just don't know how to feel
Emotions so held in,
Shut so tight ...
My hands are trembling
Scattering all through my body
But I still can't cry
Please let me cry
The lights are down,
The air is so cold.
I'm all alone with a pain
So unbearable that I want to die.
It won't make me leave it all behind
But I still can't cry
Please let me cry.
Sleepless nights,
Dry eyes so wide
To images of things I don't want to see
It's breaking me,
It's taking over me
But I still can't cry
Please let me cry.
I will do anything
Just let me cry
Please ...
Let me cry ...
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| Harder Than I thought |
[25 May 2005|10:51pm] |
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I'm On The Run - Natalie Imbruglia |
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I sat at the bench where it all started ... I sat in the exact same spot I sat and looked to my left where Lucas sat 5 years ago as the cool breeze blew. I remembered every word that was said between the two of us. I remembered the look on his face as he tried to tell me how he felt. I remembered him opening the big box wit the blue rose that represented "one and only" and "purity". I remembered him opening the little ring box that held the ring I gave him in tenth grade as he said to me, "this ring is what made me realize that there was something special about you". A smile was brought to my face without me really realizing it. Remembering the old days is so easy but at the same time so hard knowing you can't have those days anymore.
I looked around the beautiful park and saw a couple holding each other in the bright sunlight and I start to remember how he used to hold me like that and say that he loved me too much to ever let go. Tears formed in my eyes but none would fall. I thought for a moment that he came and hugged me as I felt a little bit of warmth around my shoulders but the cool breeze turned ice cold right when I started to think about all the broken promises that he left me with. I closed my eyes and tried to hold on to that warmth but I opened my eyes and saw that I was alone on the bench, hanging on for dear life to my jacket.
"Don't ever think I would EVER leave you ... don't you dare ever believe that I'll ever stop caring for you ... don't ever believe that I would break-up with you ... you mean too much to me," he said once to me. It was at that moment that I realized just how much I really do love him because I came to a point where I realized I couldn't live without him. So many promises he made ... now I beg for no more promises. "Don't promise me things that you know you cannot keep"; my new life revelation. I realized that I haven't made a promise since ... to anyone. I won't let anyone make any promises to me.
As I started to stare at the gentle ripples of the pond in front of me, I wondered if I could promise myself to be okay again. I could say it in my mind several times but once I attempted to say it out loud, the words were stuck deep in my throat. I couldn't do it. I couldn't say it. A part of me didn't want to hear it but it was something that was extremely needed. I want to be okay again and I honestly thought I was on my way there but lately ... it's been difficult. For the past few days, the same melancholy feeling would arise in the most unexpected times.
The park was so beautiful. The way the willow trees swayed, the rich colour green of the trees and plants, the gorgeous flowers in full bloom ... such a beautiful sight. A sight too beautiful for me to look at. It was almost like I didn't belong there for a little bit. A girl with such a dark mind didn't deserve to be in such a beautiful place. Thoughts of how I used to be came flooding in and it made me say to myself, "Sharleene ... she would have belonged here". Saying my full name brought more swelling tears to my eyes as I could hear him say my name with such sincerity and love.
"I love you because of the person you are Sharleene ... I've learned so much from you ... strength ... so much strength you have that I wish I had," I can hear him say in my mind. The first tear ran down my cheek. If you could only see me now. I don't have the strength I used to have. If I could ever have you again ... would you still love me knowing that I have changed so much? I am not the person I used to be. I probably would do anything to be the person I used to be for you ... that is if that chance would ever come by again. Second chances only get you so far though. I've had too many second chances already.
As a sweet family walked passed me, and the light changed to a darker shade, my mind shifted. I didn't know whether to be angry with him or angry with myself. I was a closed book before I was with him and still was for a while. But he wanted me to be open, he wanted me to say I loved him, he wanted me to be everything to him and I let my guard down completely and did it all for him. I set myself up for something that I thought would be incredible, only to be let down. He WANTED all of this. At one point, I think he wanted this more than I did and I loved him so much that I was willing to do anything for him even if it's risking who I was to make him happy. A part of me is so angry about why he would back away from everything. He took the easy way out. Then again, that other part of me is angry with myself for letting myself get to the point of breaking who I was. I let myself break because I thought I was going to be a better person for it. I gave my all to him. Then I got even angrier and the tears started to flow heavily as I couldn't believe at the thoughts I was thinking. I seem so selfish ... I want to be selfish ... but I know it's wrong. I want HIM to be happy ... that's all I want from him.
I lit a cigarette and inhaled every toxic waste that entered my lungs. My world revolves around him ... I can't deny that. It's funny because I haven't seen him in a month and here I am wishing so hard that he won't leave. In so much denial ... in so much pain ... I'm wiser now. People have said that my maturity has grown in dramatically. I speak differently, I think differently, I move differently ... a growth is good but I am suffering from it. I've learned a lot over the last 6 months, the last few years actually ... but I don't know what I want now. My only option is no longer available. I could have my career but I know in my heart that is not my true calling. For someone who hated love and didn't want to get near it ... it seems to be calling me. At such a bad time though.
I closed my eyes and the tears fell even more. I could hear a baby crying. "Marcus is what I wanted to name my son". How I love that name. I would have let him name our son that. He would make an amazing father. I know that he wouldn't become the father that his father was. He wouldn't let himself be that man. Now I wonder if I'll ever be able to see that. I pictured myself bearing his children. It was so easy. I could see my whole future with him. I could never do that before. The future has always scared me. Every ruffle of the leaves from the wind brought a new image to my mind. I could see him playing with our children. I could see him and me in our marriage. I could see him and me in our old age, still holding each other; being each other's salvation.
I stood up and wiped my tears. The bright sky had turned into darkness. The stars peered through and I wondered if he could see them. Were we looking at the same ones? He always said he was born under a very unlucky star. I've always told myself that as well ... does that mean anything? Gems ... they were like gems up there, the stars. Which one was mine? I concentrated on a star that had shone the brightest and within minutes that brightness faded. So much like me.
I got my things and started to walk away ... back to my world of work and play. It's the same thing everyday. Despite the thoughts I had in my head today here at Minoru Park ... I couldn't help but think ... I can't wait to be here again.
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| Confessions of a heartbroken girl |
[24 May 2005|10:46pm] |
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Hello people! Well ... sorry to say that this blog is for friends only. You can ask of course to be added but I will have to think about it.
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